Eustice here again, reportin' from the lovely Double-Wide Estates out on Route 5 (right off the Interstate) in semi-scenic Krum, Texas, where if you want to stop me from smokin', you'll have to pry them tar-leaching cigarettes from my cold, dead hands....
Alert! Alert! I been watchin' the FOX News (the only TV channel that dares to tell the truth!), and they been hoopin' and hollerin' in delight about the "New and Improved" Mitt Romney and how he's the best thang since sliced bread. Fer those of y'all who ain't as news-savvy as me, he's this guy who used to be governor of Massachusetts, which, as I hear, is a tiny state filled with long-haired, stinky hippies who insist on occupyin' everthang. Apparently, Mitt's had enough of that place and decided that he had a callin' to run for president of the USA, to rescue our great nation from that ne'er-do-well Hussein Obama!
But, amidst this all, some people have started sayin' that there's somethin' not right about this Romney fella. Seems that when he was governor, he was super-liberal and such, but now he's so far right that he makes Joseph McCarthy look like he wanted to head the Communist Party. This change don't seem to worry many folks, but it seems a mite bizarre to me, and I have a theory about what happened: Aliens (the kind from outer space, not the kind that keep invading our borders) done stole the real Mitt Romney and replaced him with a look-alike! Mebbe the current Mitt we're now seein' is like in that 1970s film The Stepford Wives, where rich, white guys replace their uppity femnist wives with female robots. Mebbe it's like in that movie Invasion of the Body Snatchers, where folks is replaced with look-alikes who hatch out of pods all covered with nasty goo. Either way, I think I'm on to somethin' here. And I think what I've figgered out is so top-secret that only the CIA knows the truth--and it ain't talkin'.
At this point, you're probly scratchin' your head and askin', "What do you mean, Eustice?" Now, Mitt seems like a right-nice fella with good hair. But I ain't seen no transition like this on a human bein' before. Space aliens got the real Mitt, I tell ya. And I've heard about them nasty probes that they use on folks they abduct. (I'm just sure that somehow it's part of ObamaCare and the Obama Death Panels!) I can tell that some of y'all ain't convinced by my say-so, and so I've got a few examples to prove what I'm sayin':
FACT #1: The real Mitt was all in favor of abortion. I ain't completely sure, but I think that he made it required that everone in Massachusetts have a few of 'em. Maybe he even offered a "Buy one, get one free" deal. But now, he says he's against abortion 100%.
FACT #2: The real Mitt said illegal immigrants should be able to go through some process to become US citizens. Now he says he's completely against their citizenship and wants 'em to go back where they came from. (On the positive side, I hear the Mexican food down in Mexico is better than what you get at the Taco Bell, but that could be just the high-brow librul media talkin'.)
FACT #3: The real Mitt was in favor of gun-control and an assault-rifle ban. Now he's against both of 'em. (At least he's now thinkin' like a real American for once. We won't have no security 'til all our children can carry guns to school! Just remind 'em not to play cowboys and injuns during recess, else it'll be a real mess to clean up.)
FACT #4: The real Mitt didn't want to ban gay marriage in Massachusetts. Now, he says we need a national ban. (Without one, all the good-looking guys are gonna get gay-married, and then women won't find anyone left they wanna marry. That means nobody will have babies, so our nation'll soon cease to exist!)
FACT #5: The real Mitt was for stem-cell research. Now, he says it's a load of hooey and opposes it. (I don't know what a stem-cell is, and if I don't know what it is, then we don't need to know more about it.)
FACT #6: The real Mitt was all in favor of federal gommint mandates. Now, he says they violate the US Constitution. (Like I said before, I'm against men datin' other men, so the only gommint mandates we need is opposite-sex dates.)
I could give more examples, but I never learned in school how to count past six, since that's how many fingers I have on my left hand. There's only one explanation for all this flip-flopping: Space aliens got the real Mitt, and what we got is a robot- or alien-pod Mitt substitute. And, the only substitute I like is usin' Cremora in my coffee instead of real cream, 'cause it tastes better.
Now, you might wanna stop me here, because you're probly wondering, "Doesn't the fake Mitt sound more like a real American than the lefty-socialist Mitt from Massachusetts? So, what are you complainin' about?" That's a good point, except--what if this alien-pod conservative Mitt guy changes back to a socialist once he wins? We don't know what the aliens have planned for us--they're a tricky sort. Next thing ya know, they'll be making us into food, like in Soylent Green. In the words of the great Charlton Heston, "Soylent Green is people!" That's a risk I'm not willin' to take. So, I'm tryin' to spread the truth far and wide.
Don't say I didn't warn ya! Free the real Mitt! Fight the UFOs! Over and out.