My Li'l Corner of Hell

Page last updated:
2024-01-11

	Tidbits About My Life
	There's smutty body parts at the Walgreens! I happened to find myself wandering aimlessly through the drugstore aisles when I came smack-dab face-to-face with two big, fake, pink boobs in a box that were staring straight at me. (You're supposed to wear them over the real thing.) Now, I guess it's never occurred to me to think, "My chest isn't big enough—I'm going to the drugstore," but apparently someone thinks that's going to happen. The manager lady told me that you tape them on. I asked, "Doesn't it hurt when you take them off?", at which point she thrust her bosom in my direction and posited, "Does it look like I'd need them?!" Then, she led into a speech about how female impersonators probably have to tape their "equipment" down and then rip the tape directly off their naughty bits later. (Ouch!) I don't know about those things—I'll have to look it up in the Encyclopedia Britannica later, I guess.
	Don't those give you diarrhea? That's what the grocery store clerk asked me as I tried to pay for a couple of Slim-Fasts. (You can never be too rich or too thin, ya know!) Apparently, not only did she want to share with me that these drinks gave her the runs *and* gas, but she wanted me to share all my excretory tales with her, too! I DON'T KNOW THIS PERSON! Do I go around asking random women whether they have "painful, burning feminine itch?" I don't think so! What's this world coming to???
	About My Thoughts
	Victoria—I refuse to be your cross-dressing boy-toy! Look, we had good times together. I've tried to be a modern, "with-it" kind of hipster for you. (I was willing to try that thing with the peanut butter, wasn't I???) But, now you're mailing me cards to get free panties—to dress me up like some cheap Vegas call-girl turning tricks in the restroom at Airport Terminal 5. And don't think I don't see through the part that says, "for you and up to 6 friends!" Am I not enough man for you any more? Now you want some male harem parading around in lacy feminine whites, to do your sleazy bidding? I'm on to you and your "secret," Victoria! <sigh> I feel dirty... so dirty.
	You ain't foolin' nobody... A tip for you guys looking for romance online: Cutting off the top of your head in the photo you posted because you're balding isn't fooling anyone. I don't know what person had it in his mind that this would ever work. Look, if your hair is "running for the border," then it's gonna be evident when someone meets you in person, and they're not gonna be impressed by your lie. You have a couple of choices: Either do something about it, like using Rogaine or Propecia, or else accept the way you look and deal with it. And skip the comb-over—it looks tragic. 'nuff said.
	Get outta my house, Florence Henderson, before I get the gun! Have you seen these denture ads where she just seems to show up in people's bathrooms, lecturing them about their dirty dentures? Apparently no one thinks it odd to get ready to "go potty" and suddenly turn around to see some gawking, uninvited B-rate celebrity invade their house in order to lecture them on oral hygiene. Who knows whether she's there to steal the silver or filch your collection of Thimbles of the World from the Franklin Mint!
	Plus Things You Need to Know
	As Weezie goes, so goes the nation... That's right—the unspeakable happened: Isabel Sanford ("Weezie" on The Jeffersons) was axed by God on July 9, 2004, which was only slightly worse than being cancelled by CBS in 1985. I hasten to add that this arbitrary decision by the Guy Upstairs also threw Old Navy and Denny's into a state of frenzied confusion. Who can possibly take her place? "No one!" I say. To know Weezie is to love Weezie! Thus, I have taken it upon myself to petition The Almighty to reconsider this decision and return Isabel to her rightful place at the pancake table. I do not come to Him empty handed. Instead, I offer a few suggestions as to who God can take in her place: 1. The entire cast of Cocoon. I've suffered through enough commercials seeing Wilford Brimley hawking mail-order Diabetes supplies that I think it's time to put him out of his misery (and me out of mine). I'll throw in the rest of the cast for free. 2. Queen Elizabeth II. She's just a figurehead anyway and relegated to being a snit about that horse-faced son of hers and his frumpy adulteress galpal, Camilla. 3. Carrot Top. His 15 minutes were up a long time ago. Consider this a public service. 4. A Baldwin brother of your choice. There are too many to keep track of, anyway. Nobody will miss one—especially Stephen. 5. Justine Bateman. Need I say more?
	Super-hot blonde lad Dhani Lennevald (of the former Swedish pop group A*Teens) launched his first solo single, Girl Talk, a while back. But, it's the music video that's the shocker.... Starting with sequences of a hot-n-heavy makeout session; to a yummy, shirtless Dhani (now complete with muscles and abs to kill for); and then to a downright-naughty scene near the end, he's cast off the squeaky-clean, manufactured A*Teens image for one that's downright scandalous. Sadly enough, he hasn't followed up with any other promised albums, although he has appeared in an underwear modeling show that left even less to the imagination! (And, you wouldn't be disappointed, based on the pix I've seen!)
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